Hey

Just wanna write whatever is on my mind right now.

I really, really want to cry now, let it all go. All the pain and misery I'm experiencing right now. I really hate myself, hate myself for being unable to accept defeats, unable to accept failures. It's okay to feel sad but I'm not just sad, I'm jealous, I'm unable to accept that I'm imperfect afterall...

What's wrong with me!!! I hate myself. One defeat and I’m down already, am I that weak? Get over with it Darrell, get over the results of this term and work towards the final year exam… But, can I get over with it?

I really want to do well for this EOY and this time round, I’m not only talking big without doing anything. I’m rather serious this time round, I can’t afford to screw up again. Not me, I will not stand another stained record in my life. Here’s a BIG BIG secret, I’m a damn it perfectionist that can’t accept a fucking defeat, not even once. Maybe it’s good in a way since it can motivate me to work harder but on the other hand, I’m too pessimistic and it totally goes against my principles of taking things easy. Know why I came up with so many theories on life and bla bla bla? Cose I can’t fucking takes thing easy, I’m too obsess with winning, I want to win and be the best in everything. Life definitely wouldn’t be smooth, I’m bound to fail sometime and I’m unable to accept it. Why? Why make life so hard? Why bother being the best in everything? This is a question I have always been asking myself. Respect and glory? My foot. I don’t give a fucking damn about all this shit. Maybe I do.

Truth is, I don’t even know what I want, who I am anymore. I’m confused. I’m just living everyday doing whatever seem right to me. I’m aimless now. I just am carrying on whatever I was thinking and planning in the past. I’m lost now, I have lost sight of my aim already. I promised myself to not commit so much in studies and let it be part of my life but not my life itself and now I’m trying to spam study. Or should I study? I need to think over all of this but I just can’t seem to figure it out. You can’t help me so just save it. Only I can solve it myself.

All of this may seem unimportant, I continue to live like I used to in the past. But I’m not just one of those lifeless muggers that got no aim in life, no feelings, no passion, no friends, no fun, just books. I’m not them, I’m different. But then again, why be different. I can just be common, just an ordinary student but I’m doing much more than that. For what? God knows…

Losing sight of life is just like losing the motivation to everything. Haha, I’m writing as if I’m very secretive, with a god damn lot of complex thinking and plans in mind. Trust me, I’m just a kid that doesn’t know what he is doing until he realized what he have done. I got no plans, no vision, no complicated mindset. I’m simple, trying to act chime and secretive, that’s all. If you know me well, you will understand that I’m not that special after all, I’m not that ‘godly’ as you all have thought. I’m just like you, seriously. We are both the same. The only difference in us is the personality and character. I’m obsessed with achievement and victory, maybe that is why I’m faring better( As in not showing off or making you feel bad, but yeah, you know what I mean). Maybe it’s be’cose I want to gain respect and be in charge, that is why I’m a leader. Haha, I just like to feel superior. What a joke huh?

The ‘Darrell’ you know is just so simple. He doesn’t know what he is doing until the last minute, became the captain because he wants to be superior and respected and is achieving so much be’cose he wants to feel superior. I’m not that complex after all, I’m only a kid. I seem mature, I even present myself as a mature person. Deep down under, I’m nothing but an emotionally unstable kid… Whatever I said in the past or may be saying in the future is just crap or a ‘mask’. This whole chunk is the truth. Really hate admitting this all out but can’t bottle it up anymore. I want fame and glory. So typical human being huh?

Who am I? Even I don’t know it anymore. My aim in life is gone, or am I just making excuse for myself to emo? Time I grow up. Mature. Seriously. I should stop making retarded excuses to give myself a chance to emo, a chance to escape reality. That’s it, that’s it. Damn it, I finally got the answer!!! Yes! I’ve always wrote and thought so much crap, just for me to escape reality as I give myself ‘time’ to ‘think’ through things… I wasn’t like this last time, I handle every problem head-on.

Now, I’m trying to escape from reality. Come to think of it, all those emo post were crap, what friends not friends was just a reason for me to emo and waste time. That’s it. I finally got the answer to all my problems when I’m tying aimlessly. I ‘emo’ too much. It’s all fake. I’m just trying to escape from reality.

Life is simple, we make it complicated. What ‘life aim’ and ‘life principles’, all crap. All that I have blogged about, all shit man. They don’t exist, I created them to escape from reality. We live our life simple, we do whatever comes to mind, impromptu, no whatsoever ‘plan in mind’… We just do it. Yes. The answer lies before my eyes, I think too much. What enjoy life over endless homework, crap excuse to give myself excuse not to study. We are all too afraid to face the harsh reality, we are all too scared. We will never be able to put aside all these excuses, just to give ourselves time to prepare ourselves in the face of reality. We are all cowards. Life is simple, we make it complicated as we want to escape reality.

Sometimes things aren’t that complex. We are the one that made it complex. What care too much about results and shit? I just have to work harder next term cause I did rather badly this term and did not work hard enough. What cannot stand other people getting higher than me? Quite true la, but if I achieved results that are of satisfaction, I will still be happy, but if I scored badly, I would compare my results with the rest to make myself feel better, and sometimes, it might make me feel worse.

Life is simple, don’t make it complicated. Yes, I got it. Thank you gene. Without this blog, I wouldn’t have written all of this and solved my problems. I may even be indulging in ‘emo-ness’ now and stop studying for EOY to ‘give myself time to think through things’. What aim in life and shit, why bother making it so fucking complicated. We are all simple, we live simple and simple it shall be…

Yes, woHOOOOOOOOOOO!