ARGH

Darrell:
Angry? Yea, I should be but think that many years of scolding from my parents and getting suan-ed about my 'eye' since sec 1 got me used to it already. Tolerance is the key... they don't mean any offensive towards me anw, just probably havin' fun...

I'm dying... I wanted to write all of this in my blog but i realise that I can't, just have to write it all here... On the surface, I might be saying that "I don't really care much about result", "results are only an indication of my understanding of the subject", "There is no need for me to compare my results with the rest cose my true opponent is myself, if I can reach my target, I''ve already won, regardless of how much the rest get."

Sounds convincing right? In fact, I even present myself to everybody that I don't really care about results. Sometimes I may even believe in that. The truth, sad to say, I was lying to myself all along, I DO care about results, about getting higher score than my peers, about winning everybody. I mean, who doesn't? Today, after I saw people getting results that were better than mine, I felt jealous, envious... I already knew the reason why I could not score as well and all I could blame is myself but I still could control myself from brooding over this whole thing. I've not worked hard, my friends did and thus they got better results than I did, it all makes sense but I still felt indignant. For what? I'm not sure but one thing is for sure, I lost this time round...

I've always been a winner. No jokes about it. I rarely lose out in areas that I wanted to excel in. From primary school academics, PSLE 261, CCA achievement in primary school, captain for TnF, obtaining about 60 medals for my 6 years in primary school, getting the prestigious sports boy award that was presented to only one boy every year, becoming one of the best in chs floorball and eventually entering Combined Schools and triple science in Sec 3. There is more than that but this is what I can recall for now. As you can see, I've always been successful, I rarely failed in areas that were of importance to me.

But my studies is getting worse now. Last year, I didn't even made it to the top 25%. It was the 1st time in my life I ever missed out on a scholarship/bursary. I was devastated. Yet, I did not wake up yet, until now...

Even people like You Hong, Derek, even you, are scoring better than I am... Maybe it's not surprising cose you guys definitely worked harder than I did but I still felt indignant. Maybe be'cose 've always scored better than all of you? That's not a reason of course, everybody will not be lousier than I am forever, there will bound to be a day where you guys overtake me. But one thing is for sure, I didn't like that feeling when I lose. Can't accept defeats? Maybe, since I rarely fail...

I'm failing myself, I'm failing my parents. They were right, I came to school to study, not to play floorball. maybe it's time I get my priorities right. Since the day I joined floorball, I ranked floorball before studies when it came to prioritising. Maybe it's possible to balance both and do well in both but for now, I'm obviously unable to do so...

Every time i would tell myself, I will work harder and I even got a plan on how to improve but I never once was able to carry it out. I lack self discipline and determination. I just can't bring myself to study. Time and time, I failed and my results are showing.

One reason why I was able to do well in primary school was be'cose I was consistent, I was doing quite well for every exam but in chs, my performance is far from expectations. I hardly touch my tys, didn't revise, didn't even complete hw sometimes... If I get shitty results, who can I blame? Myself...

I just can't bring myself to carry out the plan. I keep telling myself, there's still 2morow, there's still time... But there isn't... I can't drag my work, I'm accumulating too much work till the last minute. I just can't bring myself to follow the plan, revise practise and read beforehand and stuff. I waste too much time outside. Even when I'm in my room, I just dream and hardly complete any work. I have to stop wasting precious time. I have to make full use of it. Studying is my responsibility, my job and I should be doing it well. I've too much freedom. I should stop wasting too much time for my personal leisure/fun and instead, spend more time studying.

I really hate losing out to everybody. Can't stand the feeling when people get marks that are higher than mine. Maybe it's becose I've too high expectations for myself. But truthfully speaking, this is no where near my true standard. This isn't how I'm suppose to be scoring. Much higher...

All it takes now is for me to buck up, spend more time for studying, make better use of the time, spread my work more evenly so I do not have to finish everything in a short period of time and lastly, study harder. My parents are right, I'm not studying hard enough, and I agree.

I'm seriously gonna work hard for EOY and aim for the top 25%. I'm pretty serious this time. It's time I show everybody my true ability. I hate losing and I'm not gonna lose again. Never again... Yea, i repeatedly told myself such things but I never once was able to carry it out. Am I gonna fail again or will I succeed this time round?

Self-discipline,
self-control,
self-determination,
self-confidence,
self-motivation.
All this 5 things will be put to the test.

I really don't want to fail again. I definitely lost this time but I'm not gonna lose again. This time I'm gonna work harder... I'm too slack, I have to buck up. It's now or never... The EOY can change everything, if I do well, I will be able to get the top 25%.

Pls Darrell, don't give up halfway again... Pls bring out some self-discipline and determination. A winner... Don't lose again...

I can't lose again...