Time to say bye to this blog...
Really appreciated all that you've done for me but really, I better keep things to myself. Really can't stand the awkardness when you meant face to face about whatever I wrote on this blog. The feeling... it's... a feeling I can't stand.( dunno how describe)
But ty for everything. =)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
YEAH~! :D
Haha way to go Darrell! SO glad you have sorted out what you feel inside and even came up with a solution! :D Haha and btw maybe you don't know this but when you said that people didnt see you the way you really are and like noone understands you, maybe you are not the only one. For example, you feel that people dont understand you or dont know you, for all you know maybe you ALSO dont really know who he really is or how he is feeling deep down inside. You spoke of the "mask" like it was something like uncommon, but maybe, just MAYBE, everyone ELSE has that EXACT same "mask".
"Trust me, I’m just a kid that doesn’t know what he is doing until he realized what he have done. I got no plans, no vision, no complicated mindset. I’m simple, trying to act chime and secretive, that’s all." <<< For all you know EVERYONE is like that. So i guess just know that whatever you are feeling, you are never alone..
Maybe this may come as a surprise or something, but this is something about me i want to share with you: Out of ALL the hundreds of people i EVER knew in my LIFE. My family, my friends, my enemies, ANYONE, there is not ONE SINGLE (mortal) person in this entire world that i can stand infront of, hold my head high, and say "this is me" proudly without lying. Seriously. Noone in this world (not you, not joshua, not lander, not isaac, not my dad or my mom or my bro) knows all my flaws. Noone knows all my secrets. Noone knows how i think, how i feel inside, what i b!tch i was in primary school or what are the greatest demons inside me that i have to face day after day. Demons that i have very little confidence in overcoming. I hope that as time goes by, maybe you will be the first.. Haha.. But yeah, just know that you are normal, and you are never alone.
You said that you really hate admitting this and stuff, but Darrell, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, just something to be proud of. Because of all the people who have this problem, maybe you are the only one who dares to admit it..
So yeah just keep this line in mind: Accept that you're not perfect, but believe that you are.
(May seem like abit of contradiction haha.. But if you dont know what it means then can ask me i'll explain to you. i promise it will make sense)
And again: I'm very glad you have sorted things out. :D
"Trust me, I’m just a kid that doesn’t know what he is doing until he realized what he have done. I got no plans, no vision, no complicated mindset. I’m simple, trying to act chime and secretive, that’s all." <<< For all you know EVERYONE is like that. So i guess just know that whatever you are feeling, you are never alone..
Maybe this may come as a surprise or something, but this is something about me i want to share with you: Out of ALL the hundreds of people i EVER knew in my LIFE. My family, my friends, my enemies, ANYONE, there is not ONE SINGLE (mortal) person in this entire world that i can stand infront of, hold my head high, and say "this is me" proudly without lying. Seriously. Noone in this world (not you, not joshua, not lander, not isaac, not my dad or my mom or my bro) knows all my flaws. Noone knows all my secrets. Noone knows how i think, how i feel inside, what i b!tch i was in primary school or what are the greatest demons inside me that i have to face day after day. Demons that i have very little confidence in overcoming. I hope that as time goes by, maybe you will be the first.. Haha.. But yeah, just know that you are normal, and you are never alone.
You said that you really hate admitting this and stuff, but Darrell, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, just something to be proud of. Because of all the people who have this problem, maybe you are the only one who dares to admit it..
So yeah just keep this line in mind: Accept that you're not perfect, but believe that you are.
(May seem like abit of contradiction haha.. But if you dont know what it means then can ask me i'll explain to you. i promise it will make sense)
And again: I'm very glad you have sorted things out. :D
Hey
Just wanna write whatever is on my mind right now.
I really, really want to cry now, let it all go. All the pain and misery I'm experiencing right now. I really hate myself, hate myself for being unable to accept defeats, unable to accept failures. It's okay to feel sad but I'm not just sad, I'm jealous, I'm unable to accept that I'm imperfect afterall...
What's wrong with me!!! I hate myself. One defeat and I’m down already, am I that weak? Get over with it Darrell, get over the results of this term and work towards the final year exam… But, can I get over with it?
I really want to do well for this EOY and this time round, I’m not only talking big without doing anything. I’m rather serious this time round, I can’t afford to screw up again. Not me, I will not stand another stained record in my life. Here’s a BIG BIG secret, I’m a damn it perfectionist that can’t accept a fucking defeat, not even once. Maybe it’s good in a way since it can motivate me to work harder but on the other hand, I’m too pessimistic and it totally goes against my principles of taking things easy. Know why I came up with so many theories on life and bla bla bla? Cose I can’t fucking takes thing easy, I’m too obsess with winning, I want to win and be the best in everything. Life definitely wouldn’t be smooth, I’m bound to fail sometime and I’m unable to accept it. Why? Why make life so hard? Why bother being the best in everything? This is a question I have always been asking myself. Respect and glory? My foot. I don’t give a fucking damn about all this shit. Maybe I do.
Truth is, I don’t even know what I want, who I am anymore. I’m confused. I’m just living everyday doing whatever seem right to me. I’m aimless now. I just am carrying on whatever I was thinking and planning in the past. I’m lost now, I have lost sight of my aim already. I promised myself to not commit so much in studies and let it be part of my life but not my life itself and now I’m trying to spam study. Or should I study? I need to think over all of this but I just can’t seem to figure it out. You can’t help me so just save it. Only I can solve it myself.
All of this may seem unimportant, I continue to live like I used to in the past. But I’m not just one of those lifeless muggers that got no aim in life, no feelings, no passion, no friends, no fun, just books. I’m not them, I’m different. But then again, why be different. I can just be common, just an ordinary student but I’m doing much more than that. For what? God knows…
Losing sight of life is just like losing the motivation to everything. Haha, I’m writing as if I’m very secretive, with a god damn lot of complex thinking and plans in mind. Trust me, I’m just a kid that doesn’t know what he is doing until he realized what he have done. I got no plans, no vision, no complicated mindset. I’m simple, trying to act chime and secretive, that’s all. If you know me well, you will understand that I’m not that special after all, I’m not that ‘godly’ as you all have thought. I’m just like you, seriously. We are both the same. The only difference in us is the personality and character. I’m obsessed with achievement and victory, maybe that is why I’m faring better( As in not showing off or making you feel bad, but yeah, you know what I mean). Maybe it’s be’cose I want to gain respect and be in charge, that is why I’m a leader. Haha, I just like to feel superior. What a joke huh?
The ‘Darrell’ you know is just so simple. He doesn’t know what he is doing until the last minute, became the captain because he wants to be superior and respected and is achieving so much be’cose he wants to feel superior. I’m not that complex after all, I’m only a kid. I seem mature, I even present myself as a mature person. Deep down under, I’m nothing but an emotionally unstable kid… Whatever I said in the past or may be saying in the future is just crap or a ‘mask’. This whole chunk is the truth. Really hate admitting this all out but can’t bottle it up anymore. I want fame and glory. So typical human being huh?
Who am I? Even I don’t know it anymore. My aim in life is gone, or am I just making excuse for myself to emo? Time I grow up. Mature. Seriously. I should stop making retarded excuses to give myself a chance to emo, a chance to escape reality. That’s it, that’s it. Damn it, I finally got the answer!!! Yes! I’ve always wrote and thought so much crap, just for me to escape reality as I give myself ‘time’ to ‘think’ through things… I wasn’t like this last time, I handle every problem head-on.
Now, I’m trying to escape from reality. Come to think of it, all those emo post were crap, what friends not friends was just a reason for me to emo and waste time. That’s it. I finally got the answer to all my problems when I’m tying aimlessly. I ‘emo’ too much. It’s all fake. I’m just trying to escape from reality.
Life is simple, we make it complicated. What ‘life aim’ and ‘life principles’, all crap. All that I have blogged about, all shit man. They don’t exist, I created them to escape from reality. We live our life simple, we do whatever comes to mind, impromptu, no whatsoever ‘plan in mind’… We just do it. Yes. The answer lies before my eyes, I think too much. What enjoy life over endless homework, crap excuse to give myself excuse not to study. We are all too afraid to face the harsh reality, we are all too scared. We will never be able to put aside all these excuses, just to give ourselves time to prepare ourselves in the face of reality. We are all cowards. Life is simple, we make it complicated as we want to escape reality.
Sometimes things aren’t that complex. We are the one that made it complex. What care too much about results and shit? I just have to work harder next term cause I did rather badly this term and did not work hard enough. What cannot stand other people getting higher than me? Quite true la, but if I achieved results that are of satisfaction, I will still be happy, but if I scored badly, I would compare my results with the rest to make myself feel better, and sometimes, it might make me feel worse.
Life is simple, don’t make it complicated. Yes, I got it. Thank you gene. Without this blog, I wouldn’t have written all of this and solved my problems. I may even be indulging in ‘emo-ness’ now and stop studying for EOY to ‘give myself time to think through things’. What aim in life and shit, why bother making it so fucking complicated. We are all simple, we live simple and simple it shall be…
Yes, woHOOOOOOOOOOO!
I really, really want to cry now, let it all go. All the pain and misery I'm experiencing right now. I really hate myself, hate myself for being unable to accept defeats, unable to accept failures. It's okay to feel sad but I'm not just sad, I'm jealous, I'm unable to accept that I'm imperfect afterall...
What's wrong with me!!! I hate myself. One defeat and I’m down already, am I that weak? Get over with it Darrell, get over the results of this term and work towards the final year exam… But, can I get over with it?
I really want to do well for this EOY and this time round, I’m not only talking big without doing anything. I’m rather serious this time round, I can’t afford to screw up again. Not me, I will not stand another stained record in my life. Here’s a BIG BIG secret, I’m a damn it perfectionist that can’t accept a fucking defeat, not even once. Maybe it’s good in a way since it can motivate me to work harder but on the other hand, I’m too pessimistic and it totally goes against my principles of taking things easy. Know why I came up with so many theories on life and bla bla bla? Cose I can’t fucking takes thing easy, I’m too obsess with winning, I want to win and be the best in everything. Life definitely wouldn’t be smooth, I’m bound to fail sometime and I’m unable to accept it. Why? Why make life so hard? Why bother being the best in everything? This is a question I have always been asking myself. Respect and glory? My foot. I don’t give a fucking damn about all this shit. Maybe I do.
Truth is, I don’t even know what I want, who I am anymore. I’m confused. I’m just living everyday doing whatever seem right to me. I’m aimless now. I just am carrying on whatever I was thinking and planning in the past. I’m lost now, I have lost sight of my aim already. I promised myself to not commit so much in studies and let it be part of my life but not my life itself and now I’m trying to spam study. Or should I study? I need to think over all of this but I just can’t seem to figure it out. You can’t help me so just save it. Only I can solve it myself.
All of this may seem unimportant, I continue to live like I used to in the past. But I’m not just one of those lifeless muggers that got no aim in life, no feelings, no passion, no friends, no fun, just books. I’m not them, I’m different. But then again, why be different. I can just be common, just an ordinary student but I’m doing much more than that. For what? God knows…
Losing sight of life is just like losing the motivation to everything. Haha, I’m writing as if I’m very secretive, with a god damn lot of complex thinking and plans in mind. Trust me, I’m just a kid that doesn’t know what he is doing until he realized what he have done. I got no plans, no vision, no complicated mindset. I’m simple, trying to act chime and secretive, that’s all. If you know me well, you will understand that I’m not that special after all, I’m not that ‘godly’ as you all have thought. I’m just like you, seriously. We are both the same. The only difference in us is the personality and character. I’m obsessed with achievement and victory, maybe that is why I’m faring better( As in not showing off or making you feel bad, but yeah, you know what I mean). Maybe it’s be’cose I want to gain respect and be in charge, that is why I’m a leader. Haha, I just like to feel superior. What a joke huh?
The ‘Darrell’ you know is just so simple. He doesn’t know what he is doing until the last minute, became the captain because he wants to be superior and respected and is achieving so much be’cose he wants to feel superior. I’m not that complex after all, I’m only a kid. I seem mature, I even present myself as a mature person. Deep down under, I’m nothing but an emotionally unstable kid… Whatever I said in the past or may be saying in the future is just crap or a ‘mask’. This whole chunk is the truth. Really hate admitting this all out but can’t bottle it up anymore. I want fame and glory. So typical human being huh?
Who am I? Even I don’t know it anymore. My aim in life is gone, or am I just making excuse for myself to emo? Time I grow up. Mature. Seriously. I should stop making retarded excuses to give myself a chance to emo, a chance to escape reality. That’s it, that’s it. Damn it, I finally got the answer!!! Yes! I’ve always wrote and thought so much crap, just for me to escape reality as I give myself ‘time’ to ‘think’ through things… I wasn’t like this last time, I handle every problem head-on.
Now, I’m trying to escape from reality. Come to think of it, all those emo post were crap, what friends not friends was just a reason for me to emo and waste time. That’s it. I finally got the answer to all my problems when I’m tying aimlessly. I ‘emo’ too much. It’s all fake. I’m just trying to escape from reality.
Life is simple, we make it complicated. What ‘life aim’ and ‘life principles’, all crap. All that I have blogged about, all shit man. They don’t exist, I created them to escape from reality. We live our life simple, we do whatever comes to mind, impromptu, no whatsoever ‘plan in mind’… We just do it. Yes. The answer lies before my eyes, I think too much. What enjoy life over endless homework, crap excuse to give myself excuse not to study. We are all too afraid to face the harsh reality, we are all too scared. We will never be able to put aside all these excuses, just to give ourselves time to prepare ourselves in the face of reality. We are all cowards. Life is simple, we make it complicated as we want to escape reality.
Sometimes things aren’t that complex. We are the one that made it complex. What care too much about results and shit? I just have to work harder next term cause I did rather badly this term and did not work hard enough. What cannot stand other people getting higher than me? Quite true la, but if I achieved results that are of satisfaction, I will still be happy, but if I scored badly, I would compare my results with the rest to make myself feel better, and sometimes, it might make me feel worse.
Life is simple, don’t make it complicated. Yes, I got it. Thank you gene. Without this blog, I wouldn’t have written all of this and solved my problems. I may even be indulging in ‘emo-ness’ now and stop studying for EOY to ‘give myself time to think through things’. What aim in life and shit, why bother making it so fucking complicated. We are all simple, we live simple and simple it shall be…
Yes, woHOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
!
Just added myself as author. Hope you don't mind cose it will be easier for me to post...
Just wanna say, this to myself " Wake up."
Just wanna say, this to myself " Wake up."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Hey yo bro. Hmm just wanna let you know that i think that well not really all that happy about the marks i got. Sure i got like dam good marks for maths and all.. But i think i would feel better had i actually worked to deserve it. Cause really didnt do my part as a student. I hardly studied.. At all. I like barely scraped through my physics paper.. Haiss.. :( But yeah. I mean academics = life. BUT life =/= academics. Its like life is more than just academics. So like if your academics are not the best its not the end life, right? :) And yeah. You said that you've always been a winner. And i don't doubt that. But does it mean that just because you've score badly for academics, you're any less a winner? No i seriously think thats not the case. Of course its nice to get good grades and all that, but if you dont, just shrug it off and tell yourself to do better. And i think that academics should hardly be the top priority in life. I feel that enjoying life as it is is more important.
Picture this:
50 years down the road. you are an old man. We all are old men. Me, you, Joshua etc etc. And then we start talking about the "good old days" we speak about school, old jokes, teachers, friends.. So now we have decided to say out something that made us proud in our secondary school life. Okay so now you get to choose.
Would you say: Oh! I got 30/30 got A maths! And 26/30 for maths! How cool am I?!
OR
Would you say: I enjoyed my secondary school life. I had fun in my CCA, i went out with my friends and did all sorts of stupid things, it was soo much fun!
I guess like its not wrong to focus on academics, but the thing is try not to focus SO much so that you lose sight of the things that make you smile, that make you laugh. Cause its no question which will bring back greater memories.
Picture this:
50 years down the road. you are an old man. We all are old men. Me, you, Joshua etc etc. And then we start talking about the "good old days" we speak about school, old jokes, teachers, friends.. So now we have decided to say out something that made us proud in our secondary school life. Okay so now you get to choose.
Would you say: Oh! I got 30/30 got A maths! And 26/30 for maths! How cool am I?!
OR
Would you say: I enjoyed my secondary school life. I had fun in my CCA, i went out with my friends and did all sorts of stupid things, it was soo much fun!
I guess like its not wrong to focus on academics, but the thing is try not to focus SO much so that you lose sight of the things that make you smile, that make you laugh. Cause its no question which will bring back greater memories.
ARGH
Darrell:
Angry? Yea, I should be but think that many years of scolding from my parents and getting suan-ed about my 'eye' since sec 1 got me used to it already. Tolerance is the key... they don't mean any offensive towards me anw, just probably havin' fun...
I'm dying... I wanted to write all of this in my blog but i realise that I can't, just have to write it all here... On the surface, I might be saying that "I don't really care much about result", "results are only an indication of my understanding of the subject", "There is no need for me to compare my results with the rest cose my true opponent is myself, if I can reach my target, I''ve already won, regardless of how much the rest get."
Sounds convincing right? In fact, I even present myself to everybody that I don't really care about results. Sometimes I may even believe in that. The truth, sad to say, I was lying to myself all along, I DO care about results, about getting higher score than my peers, about winning everybody. I mean, who doesn't? Today, after I saw people getting results that were better than mine, I felt jealous, envious... I already knew the reason why I could not score as well and all I could blame is myself but I still could control myself from brooding over this whole thing. I've not worked hard, my friends did and thus they got better results than I did, it all makes sense but I still felt indignant. For what? I'm not sure but one thing is for sure, I lost this time round...
I've always been a winner. No jokes about it. I rarely lose out in areas that I wanted to excel in. From primary school academics, PSLE 261, CCA achievement in primary school, captain for TnF, obtaining about 60 medals for my 6 years in primary school, getting the prestigious sports boy award that was presented to only one boy every year, becoming one of the best in chs floorball and eventually entering Combined Schools and triple science in Sec 3. There is more than that but this is what I can recall for now. As you can see, I've always been successful, I rarely failed in areas that were of importance to me.
But my studies is getting worse now. Last year, I didn't even made it to the top 25%. It was the 1st time in my life I ever missed out on a scholarship/bursary. I was devastated. Yet, I did not wake up yet, until now...
Even people like You Hong, Derek, even you, are scoring better than I am... Maybe it's not surprising cose you guys definitely worked harder than I did but I still felt indignant. Maybe be'cose 've always scored better than all of you? That's not a reason of course, everybody will not be lousier than I am forever, there will bound to be a day where you guys overtake me. But one thing is for sure, I didn't like that feeling when I lose. Can't accept defeats? Maybe, since I rarely fail...
I'm failing myself, I'm failing my parents. They were right, I came to school to study, not to play floorball. maybe it's time I get my priorities right. Since the day I joined floorball, I ranked floorball before studies when it came to prioritising. Maybe it's possible to balance both and do well in both but for now, I'm obviously unable to do so...
Every time i would tell myself, I will work harder and I even got a plan on how to improve but I never once was able to carry it out. I lack self discipline and determination. I just can't bring myself to study. Time and time, I failed and my results are showing.
One reason why I was able to do well in primary school was be'cose I was consistent, I was doing quite well for every exam but in chs, my performance is far from expectations. I hardly touch my tys, didn't revise, didn't even complete hw sometimes... If I get shitty results, who can I blame? Myself...
I just can't bring myself to carry out the plan. I keep telling myself, there's still 2morow, there's still time... But there isn't... I can't drag my work, I'm accumulating too much work till the last minute. I just can't bring myself to follow the plan, revise practise and read beforehand and stuff. I waste too much time outside. Even when I'm in my room, I just dream and hardly complete any work. I have to stop wasting precious time. I have to make full use of it. Studying is my responsibility, my job and I should be doing it well. I've too much freedom. I should stop wasting too much time for my personal leisure/fun and instead, spend more time studying.
I really hate losing out to everybody. Can't stand the feeling when people get marks that are higher than mine. Maybe it's becose I've too high expectations for myself. But truthfully speaking, this is no where near my true standard. This isn't how I'm suppose to be scoring. Much higher...
All it takes now is for me to buck up, spend more time for studying, make better use of the time, spread my work more evenly so I do not have to finish everything in a short period of time and lastly, study harder. My parents are right, I'm not studying hard enough, and I agree.
I'm seriously gonna work hard for EOY and aim for the top 25%. I'm pretty serious this time. It's time I show everybody my true ability. I hate losing and I'm not gonna lose again. Never again... Yea, i repeatedly told myself such things but I never once was able to carry it out. Am I gonna fail again or will I succeed this time round?
Self-discipline,
self-control,
self-determination,
self-confidence,
self-motivation.
All this 5 things will be put to the test.
I really don't want to fail again. I definitely lost this time but I'm not gonna lose again. This time I'm gonna work harder... I'm too slack, I have to buck up. It's now or never... The EOY can change everything, if I do well, I will be able to get the top 25%.
Pls Darrell, don't give up halfway again... Pls bring out some self-discipline and determination. A winner... Don't lose again...
I can't lose again...
Angry? Yea, I should be but think that many years of scolding from my parents and getting suan-ed about my 'eye' since sec 1 got me used to it already. Tolerance is the key... they don't mean any offensive towards me anw, just probably havin' fun...
I'm dying... I wanted to write all of this in my blog but i realise that I can't, just have to write it all here... On the surface, I might be saying that "I don't really care much about result", "results are only an indication of my understanding of the subject", "There is no need for me to compare my results with the rest cose my true opponent is myself, if I can reach my target, I''ve already won, regardless of how much the rest get."
Sounds convincing right? In fact, I even present myself to everybody that I don't really care about results. Sometimes I may even believe in that. The truth, sad to say, I was lying to myself all along, I DO care about results, about getting higher score than my peers, about winning everybody. I mean, who doesn't? Today, after I saw people getting results that were better than mine, I felt jealous, envious... I already knew the reason why I could not score as well and all I could blame is myself but I still could control myself from brooding over this whole thing. I've not worked hard, my friends did and thus they got better results than I did, it all makes sense but I still felt indignant. For what? I'm not sure but one thing is for sure, I lost this time round...
I've always been a winner. No jokes about it. I rarely lose out in areas that I wanted to excel in. From primary school academics, PSLE 261, CCA achievement in primary school, captain for TnF, obtaining about 60 medals for my 6 years in primary school, getting the prestigious sports boy award that was presented to only one boy every year, becoming one of the best in chs floorball and eventually entering Combined Schools and triple science in Sec 3. There is more than that but this is what I can recall for now. As you can see, I've always been successful, I rarely failed in areas that were of importance to me.
But my studies is getting worse now. Last year, I didn't even made it to the top 25%. It was the 1st time in my life I ever missed out on a scholarship/bursary. I was devastated. Yet, I did not wake up yet, until now...
Even people like You Hong, Derek, even you, are scoring better than I am... Maybe it's not surprising cose you guys definitely worked harder than I did but I still felt indignant. Maybe be'cose 've always scored better than all of you? That's not a reason of course, everybody will not be lousier than I am forever, there will bound to be a day where you guys overtake me. But one thing is for sure, I didn't like that feeling when I lose. Can't accept defeats? Maybe, since I rarely fail...
I'm failing myself, I'm failing my parents. They were right, I came to school to study, not to play floorball. maybe it's time I get my priorities right. Since the day I joined floorball, I ranked floorball before studies when it came to prioritising. Maybe it's possible to balance both and do well in both but for now, I'm obviously unable to do so...
Every time i would tell myself, I will work harder and I even got a plan on how to improve but I never once was able to carry it out. I lack self discipline and determination. I just can't bring myself to study. Time and time, I failed and my results are showing.
One reason why I was able to do well in primary school was be'cose I was consistent, I was doing quite well for every exam but in chs, my performance is far from expectations. I hardly touch my tys, didn't revise, didn't even complete hw sometimes... If I get shitty results, who can I blame? Myself...
I just can't bring myself to carry out the plan. I keep telling myself, there's still 2morow, there's still time... But there isn't... I can't drag my work, I'm accumulating too much work till the last minute. I just can't bring myself to follow the plan, revise practise and read beforehand and stuff. I waste too much time outside. Even when I'm in my room, I just dream and hardly complete any work. I have to stop wasting precious time. I have to make full use of it. Studying is my responsibility, my job and I should be doing it well. I've too much freedom. I should stop wasting too much time for my personal leisure/fun and instead, spend more time studying.
I really hate losing out to everybody. Can't stand the feeling when people get marks that are higher than mine. Maybe it's becose I've too high expectations for myself. But truthfully speaking, this is no where near my true standard. This isn't how I'm suppose to be scoring. Much higher...
All it takes now is for me to buck up, spend more time for studying, make better use of the time, spread my work more evenly so I do not have to finish everything in a short period of time and lastly, study harder. My parents are right, I'm not studying hard enough, and I agree.
I'm seriously gonna work hard for EOY and aim for the top 25%. I'm pretty serious this time. It's time I show everybody my true ability. I hate losing and I'm not gonna lose again. Never again... Yea, i repeatedly told myself such things but I never once was able to carry it out. Am I gonna fail again or will I succeed this time round?
Self-discipline,
self-control,
self-determination,
self-confidence,
self-motivation.
All this 5 things will be put to the test.
I really don't want to fail again. I definitely lost this time but I'm not gonna lose again. This time I'm gonna work harder... I'm too slack, I have to buck up. It's now or never... The EOY can change everything, if I do well, I will be able to get the top 25%.
Pls Darrell, don't give up halfway again... Pls bring out some self-discipline and determination. A winner... Don't lose again...
I can't lose again...
Hey yo bro. :) Haha i think either you have like super patience or u were lying.. I dunno, but i do know that if it was me i would get irritated. Confirm one. Then i saw your face was like mine when im irritated but trying not to show it so yeah. Got quite worried for awhile. Note that i didnt say anything~ Haha but yeah. So anyway something about me not many know (i think):
I am very very sensitive and tend to take like "secret" meanings in people's words, even if they might not mean it that way. Probably why i spend like 10+ min to send a simple sms.. Cause I'll be like checking my words like over and over again to make sure that it sounds okay haha.. But yeah. Thats why i get "unintentionally" hurt aLOT.
And yeah, sorry to say, i don't feel like i belong. Well, not anymore.
I am very very sensitive and tend to take like "secret" meanings in people's words, even if they might not mean it that way. Probably why i spend like 10+ min to send a simple sms.. Cause I'll be like checking my words like over and over again to make sure that it sounds okay haha.. But yeah. Thats why i get "unintentionally" hurt aLOT.
And yeah, sorry to say, i don't feel like i belong. Well, not anymore.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Thank you
Hey. Thanks for the encouragement. Made me feel better lots. Btw you know that its NOT you right? And yeah what you said really knocked some sense into me. And i may not look it but i feel that deep inside i really want the top 4 too. I mean, even NOW, like a few months before the competition, i feel butterflies in my stomach. No kidding. I find it hard to sleep when i think about the nationals at night. I really want to win a real medal for the first time in my life. So thank you, for giving me the will to carry on.
And i just want to make a promise to you, the captain, to the team, and to myself:
Before i leave for london. Im going to be stepping my game up. Big time. Im going to train my fitness until i wont be affected even when people tell me that i cant last three periods, because i'll know that i can.
Thank you
And i just want to make a promise to you, the captain, to the team, and to myself:
Before i leave for london. Im going to be stepping my game up. Big time. Im going to train my fitness until i wont be affected even when people tell me that i cant last three periods, because i'll know that i can.
Thank you
Truth
Could see that you were very much affected by the discussion... In what sense, I'm not sure... Maybe you saw the harsh side of me, not even contemplating a moment when I decide the fate of a player, by telling Mr han to kick him out of the team? Or maybe you realise something else? I really dunno... Can't tell but could feel that you were feeling upset.
That is me. I simply speak the truth. I may seem friendly with everybody but when it's something that concerns the team, I will not hesitate a moment to kick the player out if he is cannot make it. If I want the team to do well, somebody have to be the bad guy; I'm willing to do anything for the team.
If I wasn't the captain or ask nothing more from the team, I will definitely shut up but this time round is different, we got a high chance to get Top 4 and I simply can't let the team down.
And that includes you. I knew I was harsh when I sorta " tell you that you weren't good enough" but I have to let you know it. You are crucial to the team. The team needs you, we need you too.
The chair and table thing, Think you meant that you are just there to block out the shots, other than that, you are useless. If that's the way you think, you are wrong. A keeper ain't just there to block out the shots. He is there to give support to the whole team; cose when the shot fly past the defenders and is approaching the keeper, we know that we can all count on Eugene, cose we know he will save the shot.
You are not small, neither are you useless. If there was one player that is gonna pull out of the team and the team will screw up, that would be you. I'm not even close, there's joshua to continue leading the team, cren to take over me. Eugene Gan is nowhere near your standard, without you, we will be CHS floorball (with the goal post unprotected). Your role is the most important among ALL of us, that is why I'm so particular about your performance, your skill and everything. That is why I said whatever I said that there. If Derek or Ryan is going London for 3 weeks, I don't think the impact will be that big but if you miss 3 weeks of training, the impact will be very big cose there is nobody there to replace you. We need you.
Somebody have to be the bad guy, somebody have to do all those 'harsh' decisions if we want the team to excel. I took up the role as captain not for fun, not for glory, but for the team be'cose I believe the team can excel under my guidance better than anyone else. If there were to be a better candidate, I would willing give up this post. it ain't easy to be the captain you have to know. I wouldn't be like Dickson, captain in name, does nothing at all. Since I took up this role I will do my part well.
I really don't like the feeling when somebody, older than you by 1 year or even the same age as you, decides your future in floorball by saying " He's not good enough." Who likes it anw... for your fate to be somebody else's hands. By I only say the truth. Those that are good stay and those that are not there, I'm sorry. There will bound to be something like this happening sooner or later.
Whatever I did, i put the team as the first priority, even before myself. If my knee is unfit for floorball, I will not hesitate to kick myself out of the team, cose I would be a burden already. My job ain't easy if I want to do it well, this team is special, we got the ability but can't excel. There is much more that I want to say, all my misery being the captain, but I wouldn't grumble, I will hang in there for the sake of the team. Many things I do, nobody realises. The agony of having to suffer 10+ people staring at you dancing like a retard before they agree reluctantly to dance too, is one of the many few.
I'm only doing my part, hope you understand. I'm really considering to play an individual sport in the future, a team sport is more than a sum of individual skills... there is so much more to it. An individual sport is so much easier, so much easier for me to excel, without the burden of everybody on me...
Gene... just remember, you are the most important key, I'm not joking. You have to pick yourself up and train to be stronger. Your greatest opponent is yourself, your thinking will kill you someday.
That is me. I simply speak the truth. I may seem friendly with everybody but when it's something that concerns the team, I will not hesitate a moment to kick the player out if he is cannot make it. If I want the team to do well, somebody have to be the bad guy; I'm willing to do anything for the team.
If I wasn't the captain or ask nothing more from the team, I will definitely shut up but this time round is different, we got a high chance to get Top 4 and I simply can't let the team down.
And that includes you. I knew I was harsh when I sorta " tell you that you weren't good enough" but I have to let you know it. You are crucial to the team. The team needs you, we need you too.
The chair and table thing, Think you meant that you are just there to block out the shots, other than that, you are useless. If that's the way you think, you are wrong. A keeper ain't just there to block out the shots. He is there to give support to the whole team; cose when the shot fly past the defenders and is approaching the keeper, we know that we can all count on Eugene, cose we know he will save the shot.
You are not small, neither are you useless. If there was one player that is gonna pull out of the team and the team will screw up, that would be you. I'm not even close, there's joshua to continue leading the team, cren to take over me. Eugene Gan is nowhere near your standard, without you, we will be CHS floorball (with the goal post unprotected). Your role is the most important among ALL of us, that is why I'm so particular about your performance, your skill and everything. That is why I said whatever I said that there. If Derek or Ryan is going London for 3 weeks, I don't think the impact will be that big but if you miss 3 weeks of training, the impact will be very big cose there is nobody there to replace you. We need you.
Somebody have to be the bad guy, somebody have to do all those 'harsh' decisions if we want the team to excel. I took up the role as captain not for fun, not for glory, but for the team be'cose I believe the team can excel under my guidance better than anyone else. If there were to be a better candidate, I would willing give up this post. it ain't easy to be the captain you have to know. I wouldn't be like Dickson, captain in name, does nothing at all. Since I took up this role I will do my part well.
I really don't like the feeling when somebody, older than you by 1 year or even the same age as you, decides your future in floorball by saying " He's not good enough." Who likes it anw... for your fate to be somebody else's hands. By I only say the truth. Those that are good stay and those that are not there, I'm sorry. There will bound to be something like this happening sooner or later.
Whatever I did, i put the team as the first priority, even before myself. If my knee is unfit for floorball, I will not hesitate to kick myself out of the team, cose I would be a burden already. My job ain't easy if I want to do it well, this team is special, we got the ability but can't excel. There is much more that I want to say, all my misery being the captain, but I wouldn't grumble, I will hang in there for the sake of the team. Many things I do, nobody realises. The agony of having to suffer 10+ people staring at you dancing like a retard before they agree reluctantly to dance too, is one of the many few.
I'm only doing my part, hope you understand. I'm really considering to play an individual sport in the future, a team sport is more than a sum of individual skills... there is so much more to it. An individual sport is so much easier, so much easier for me to excel, without the burden of everybody on me...
Gene... just remember, you are the most important key, I'm not joking. You have to pick yourself up and train to be stronger. Your greatest opponent is yourself, your thinking will kill you someday.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Hey Darrell. Glad you're "back" and all that. (I would insert a smiley face but not in a smiley mood right now) First i would like to say that this blog wont die here. Im gonna post all my problems here. And youre welcome to do the same if you find it hard to say it out. Just go blogger the user is genezxz@hotmail.com password is 8971121116.
Actually wanted to post this on my own blog but then realized that theres no point doing so. But i dont want to keep this to myself so yeah ill just tell you.
(P.S "you" is not YOU)
You're too harsh. Too harsh. I always believed that you were harsh in a good way. In a way that could help me. It always helped me. Except this time. This time maybe you didnt notice it-it was so subtle that NOONE would have noticed it-but in that subtle way, you crushed me. You made me feel so small, so insignificant. Made me feel like what ive been told to do and what ive been doing is all for nothing. Nothing. Take the tables and chairs and paint them red and add a "16" on it, cause thats pretty much how i feel like right now. If only you knew how i would feel, maybe, just maybe, you would have done something different. Im not even going to mention it, cause it will just start another argument that im going to hate and regret and blame myself for afterwards. Dont even know why im blogging about this. But yes, youve made your point, at the very least. Ive got it into my head.
Next time Ill just keep my big mouth shut. Cause now there's Catholic High Floorball Team, and then there is Catholic High Floorball Goalie.
Actually wanted to post this on my own blog but then realized that theres no point doing so. But i dont want to keep this to myself so yeah ill just tell you.
(P.S "you" is not YOU)
You're too harsh. Too harsh. I always believed that you were harsh in a good way. In a way that could help me. It always helped me. Except this time. This time maybe you didnt notice it-it was so subtle that NOONE would have noticed it-but in that subtle way, you crushed me. You made me feel so small, so insignificant. Made me feel like what ive been told to do and what ive been doing is all for nothing. Nothing. Take the tables and chairs and paint them red and add a "16" on it, cause thats pretty much how i feel like right now. If only you knew how i would feel, maybe, just maybe, you would have done something different. Im not even going to mention it, cause it will just start another argument that im going to hate and regret and blame myself for afterwards. Dont even know why im blogging about this. But yes, youve made your point, at the very least. Ive got it into my head.
Next time Ill just keep my big mouth shut. Cause now there's Catholic High Floorball Team, and then there is Catholic High Floorball Goalie.
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