To my brothER.

Hey Darrell.. I'm like really supposed to do my work now haha.. Chinese teacher said that if dun hand in tomorrow then like what going to your own death blah blah. But yeah i think that you have like problems? I dunno and yeah i'm not trying to help you solve it, cause i dun think that i even can come close to doing so. But well if i can i want to try to try make you feel better. Make you feel like you're worth something. Cause i know, God knows, and everyone whom you've labelled as friends with apostrophes (btw that hurt..) in your blog knows. You said that noone understands you, noone knows your problems. Well maybe you havent seen it yet or what, but ive been trying to get to know you since we went out with Ian Tay that time to buy something for his dad's birthday. But i never never succeeded. And its not cause i dun want to. But its cause you keep everything to yourself, or maybe to some other people, but you never told me. And if you did i swear i would have listened, and listened good. I dunno but i feel that you have this special way of making other people feel that you are doing fine. And for awhile i believed it, and i felt INCREDIBLY jealous of you. Yeah, jealous. I couldnt understand how your world could be so perfect, and it just seemed to me that you had everything. Friends, GREAT floorball skills (and dun try to say that its not great, because i know and you know that it is) you had like awesome grades. And like china girls fall for you. Yeah you say she's irritating, but not even irritating ones fall for me.. And like you are also incredibly outgoing and fun to be around. And one more very important thing. You never succumb to anger the way i do.

Dying. Many people feel like dying at one point in their lives or another. I myself have also felt this way (The period before i went to my church camp). I felt like i had NO friends. NOONE who understands me, not even myself. I didnt know why i felt so depressed everyday, i just couldnt see what was missing in my life. And i go training and i see all of you laugh and have fun, and inside im screaming. And i told myself almost EVERYDAY if i could have an option to die without feeling any pain, ill take it. And ill take it without hesitation. But the question is not really "is life worth living?" but "is life worth giving up?" Just think about all the little minute pleasures in life: eating a hot dog, or watching a nice movie, or playing lan, or even just lying in your bed when its like cloudy and windy and very cold. Cause when you die(before you're meant to), you wont experience any of that. But depression can be overcome. I THINK im almost out of it. And btw, a secret that ill share with you (but you cannot tell anyone) on that day when Derek backhanded my finger and i bled? I cried. And i cried very very badly. Not cause of the pain. But because at that time i felt that everything in my life was going wrong. Everything. I was getting into trouble in class. I got 5/30 for my maths test, I couldnt save bottom corner shots because of my osgood, and i felt really really worthless.(these may seem like little stuff for you, but there were other deeper problems that i was facing. Quite personal. I wont say on this blog but if you come ask me ill tell you) I just kept repeating the words in my head "Eugene you fail you fail you fail" And yeah. But i got over it. And i believe you can get over this.

Remember once i was all "I am a loner. Stay away from me." and all that? Well i said that i thought i could make me stronger and all that. But thats all crap. The REAL reason was that at that time i felt very depressed and i felt like i was growing apart from all of my friends. And so i wanted to practice being alone, so it would hurt less when i really DID become a loner. But you guys made it so hard haha.. Always dragging me out for dinner after the league and all that. Darrell everyone always wishes that life had a reset button and all that, but hardly anyone ever knows that in fact there IS a reset button, but we all are too busy thinking about our problems that we fail to see it. And this button has been overlooked for too long. This button, is actually your mindset. It may seem hard, it may seem useless, and it may seem stupid, but try, TRY to reset your mind. Forget everything in the past, for it is over, and you cannot do anything to change it. And instead look to the future. I mean you're only 15. Just take it at the end of the day that you lived 15 years less. Change your attitude towards things, try to pick out things that make you happy everyday. Like a joke, a laugh you shared with your friend. Or a hug from someone who cares about you. Cause alot of people care about you. You just have to close your eyes, open your heart, and really SEE for the first time in your life. Because God didnt only give us sight through our eyes. But through our eyes AND and our heart.

All these are just like words, and like ultimately the final decision is up to you. But i just want you to know that you are worth FAR more than you think you are. And your life has FAR more meaning than you think it does. Maybe you havent noticed, but for the 3 years that ive know you anyway, people have been trying to be your friend, been trying to get close to you. Haha its like some friendly aura about you. I also cant explain but its definitely there. And haha this may sound stupid but ever since you made that friends posts ive been like hoping to like see my name haha..


And yeah, you mean more to the people around you than you think. And this may sound selfish but please dont die cause i already have very little friends as it is.. :( Oh and btw, my answers for you quiz is

I think you are closest to yourself.

You want to be a coach.

You aspire to be a writer.

Your darkest period was in sec 2.

And your favourite subject is Geography.

Night bro.